Who says the Scots have no sense of humour?

A television can unsult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

What would you give a man who has everything?.........Antibiotics?

"Some cause happiness wherever they go and some whenever they go" . Oscar Wilde

"My wife made me join a Bridge Club, I jump off next Tuesday". Rodney Dangerfield

Never raise your hand to a child, it leaves your groin unprotected

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?....Polaroids

She was only a Stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure

The Green Belt is a Labour initiative and we intend to build on it....John Prescott

It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But a young fool has to grow up to be an old fool to realise what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool....Harold Macmillan

I am extraordinarily patient, providing I get my own way in the end....Margaret Thatcher

Do you know what Margaret Thatcher did in her first Budget? Introduce VAT on yachts! It somewhat ruined my retirement....Edward Heath

You are the deals-on-wheels Prime Minister. No wonder the Chancellor is not a happy eater!.....Michael Howard

Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as'brain-dead louts and that goes for me as well!....Harriet Harman